I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I supernannyed him into submission
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
