My nipple is on Facebook.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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