The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
