They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
