four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
