My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How does one acquire holy water?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize