Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
FUCK WHALES
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