If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
