everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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