I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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