I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize