My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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