This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
