Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
We are all done wearing pants today
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
