can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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