Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize