Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize