and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
