allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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