He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
