I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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