the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
God gave him joint rollers for hands
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
