On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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