He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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