this just has baby written all over it
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
