I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
