Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
