she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
