I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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