cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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