does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
