I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
