bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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