On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
