She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
