god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
