I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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