Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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