one might say we're banned from that church
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
