hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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