Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
last night I used snow as a chaser
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
