Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
