I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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