o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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