Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
How's work?
Spinning.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
