I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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