never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
