Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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