I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Randomize