You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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