Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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