I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
