and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
