I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
